What It Means to Lead From Self

I find it refreshing to read about what we are ultimately aiming for in life. I love the parts of books that describe what it looks like and feels like when you’ve found your footing. I don’t come across those as often as I’d like.

Most of what we read focuses on anxiety, depression, loneliness, and other struggles. That information matters, but sometimes it keeps us focused on the problem. What I find more inspiring is understanding what’s possible when healing begins to take hold.

This article is meant to be a dose of something different – a description of what it feels like to operate from your core essence, what many traditions call your highest self, the one who has been there all along and knows you better than anyone. What it looks like when you stay connected to that essence, even as different parts of you try to take over. And what becomes possible when you do.

What Are Parts?

Parts are the different aspects of you that have an agenda. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand the mind as made up of many parts. There’s the inner critic who keeps you in line, the people-pleaser who smooths things over, the anxious planner who can’t stop thinking ahead, and the little one inside who just wants to feel safe and loved.

These parts are not problems to be fixed. They are trying to help. But when they run the show, we lose access to something deeper.

Some parts protect us: the critic, the pleaser, the planner. Others carry old wounds. In IFS, we call these exiles – the younger, tender parts of us still holding pain from the past.

I Didn’t Know I Had a Self

I didn’t know I had a Self until a couple of years ago, when I started working more deeply with my therapist using RLT and IFS.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), founded by Terry Real, the Wise Adult is the mature, balanced, present-focused part of yourself. IFS calls it the Self, with a capital S. Both are pointing to the same thing: an essential, centered presence inside you – not the voices that worry, criticize, or protect, but the one who can be with all of them.

I did some deep work in RLT, particularly around my relationship. But it was Dick Schwartz’s book, You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For, that cracked something open in me. Not overnight, but slowly.

I Lived Most of My Life Blended

After countless prompts from my therapist and many journal entries, I started to recognize when I was blended with a part – when a part had taken over and I thought it was just me.

For much of my life, I operated that way. From my exiles. From my inner critic. From the parts that emerged when I needed to release steam or get things done. And especially from the part that showed up when my feelings were hurt – Little Crystal, who just needed attention and didn’t know how to ask for it.

One memory stands out. A few years ago, we were playing a board game as a family when one of my kids got frustrated and said something sharp. The kind of thing that should have rolled right off me. Instead, shame and frustration washed over me instantly. One moment I was playful and relaxed. The next, I was withdrawn and gone. Looking back, that was my exile taking over. My inner child needed to be seen.

And Then Big Crystal Started to Emerge

Self didn’t arrive all at once. I got glimpses of her first, usually in therapy. I would watch my therapist hold difficult moments with such calm and groundedness. I wanted that. I would literally think to myself, ‘What would my therapist say?’

With more time and reflection, I started to recognize when my parts had taken over – and, more importantly, I started to come back.

Now that I’ve been giving my exile the attention she needs, I’m less reactive. We have a relationship. We’ve learned to prepare for stressful situations together. She feels taken care of. When someone says something that would have once set her off, Big Crystal can step in and protect her. I picture her behind my invisible cape.

What Self-Leadership Actually Gave Me

My Self has grown stronger and stronger, and that is why I believe in IFS.

I have historically struggled with self-reliance. I would reach for the phone – call a friend, text my partner – before I’d ever try to sit with something myself. Every time I turned inward instead, something grew. My Self got a little stronger. My confidence got a little steadier.

No matter what happens, I’ve got my back. And that has been everything.

I also took a course in self-compassion recently, which deepened this work. One teaching that stayed with me was Buddha nature – the idea that we are all born inherently good. Love and care are not earned. They are our birthright. When you can lead from Self, you stop needing to be perfect. You can be with yourself the way you’d be with someone you love.

The 8 C’s of Self: What It Actually Looks Like

Calm: Staying grounded even when life feels difficult.

Clarity: Seeing situations more clearly without getting lost in overthinking.

Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness, especially when you’re struggling.

Curiosity: Approaching yourself and others with genuine interest rather than judgment.

Confidence: Trusting that you can handle or repair what comes your way.

Creativity: Responding authentically instead of relying on old patterns.

Courage: Taking meaningful action even when parts of you are afraid.

Connectedness: Remembering that you belong and are part of something larger.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

For years, dropping my kids off at school activated so many parts – my critic, my exile, all of it. I dreaded it. There was something about walking into that environment, surrounded by moms who seemed so put together and at ease, that sent Little Crystal into a tailspin. Like I was back in middle school, hoping no one would notice I didn’t quite belong.

But after spending time with that little girl inside me – tending to her and letting her know I was there before I even walked through those doors – something shifted. I could show up as a present mom instead of a triggered one. I could be curious instead of defended.

That’s Self in action. Not the absence of parts, but having someone steady enough to be with them.

You Have a Self Too

I don’t self-soothe perfectly. I still have parts that run the show sometimes. But I know the difference now between being blended and being led. When I notice a part, I ask what it needs from me – from my Self. Then I give that.

Once you feel Self, even for a moment, you want more of it. Not because life becomes easier, but because you no longer have to face it alone.

It’s not a destination. It’s a practice. It starts with getting curious about the parts of you that are trying so hard and letting something a little wiser take the wheel.

That’s what has been so captivating for me about IFS: discovering that I have the resources and inner wisdom to help myself. That I can rely on myself.

Want to Meet Your Self?

If you’d like to meet your Self, Dick Schwartz created a short, guided meditation called The PATH that I often recommend to clients and return to myself. It’s free, takes about 20 minutes, and might just introduce you to someone you’ve been missing.

You can find it here.